Thanks For The Memories

Grey: Gratitude. Appreciation. Giving thanks. No matter what words you use, it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family, happy to just be alive… whether we like it or not.

Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude… has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing… is reason enough to celebrate.

Let It Be

Grey: In the eighth grade, my English class had to read Romeo and Juliet. Then, for extra credit, Mrs. Snyder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous. But I had a slightly different take. I told Mrs. Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls for the one guy she knows she can’t have. Then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Mrs. Snyder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13, I was very clear, that love, like life, is about making choices. And fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it’s so romantic. Romeo and Juliet. True love. How sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum… she deserved whatever she got.

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while. And then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would have been okay. I told Mrs. Snyder that when I was grown up, I’d take fate into my own hands. I wouldn’t let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Snyder said I’d be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone. And that if I did, we’d be together forever. Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It’s about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices, and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.

Something To Talk About

Grey: Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words, and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or, how to ask for what we really need…

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about. Some things, we just don’t want to hear. And some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say. They’re what you do. Some things you say because there’s no other choice. Some things, you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then… some things simply speak for themselves.

Into You Like A Train

Grey: In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways: Those who love surprises, and those who don’t. I don’t. I’ve never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise, because, as surgeons, we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know. Because when we aren’t, people die and lawsuits happen. Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. Okay, so my point actually, and I do have one, has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits or even surgeons. My point is this: whoever said “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”? Was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.Okay, fine, maybe it’s the second worst.

As surgeons, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients. And, how to take care of each other. Eventually, we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves. As surgeons, we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it’s better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark, there may be fear… but there’s also hope.

Bring The Pain

Grey: Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with every day. Then there’s the kind of pain we can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anesthetize… ride it out, embrace it, ignore it… And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain. You just have to fight through. Because the truth is, you can’t outrun it. And life always makes more.

Deny, Deny, Deny

Grey: The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny that we’re tired, we deny that we’re scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed, and most importantly, we deny that we’re in denial. We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that, after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth.We deny so much, that we can’t recognize the truth, right in front of our faces…

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial and face the world head-on, guns blazing. Denial. It’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Make Me Lose Control

Grey: Surgeons are control freaks. With a scalpel in your hand you feel unstoppable. There’s no fear, there’s no pain. You’re ten feet tall and bulletproof. And then you leave the OR. And all that perfection, all that beautiful control, just falls to crap.

No one likes to lose control. But as a surgeon, there’s nothing worse. It’s a sign of weakness. Of not being up to the task. And still, there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn’t gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. Except, if there’s an upside to free falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.