Thanks For The Memories

Grey: Gratitude. Appreciation. Giving thanks. No matter what words you use, it all means the same thing. Happy. We’re supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family, happy to just be alive… whether we like it or not.

Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude… has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing… is reason enough to celebrate.

Let It Be

Grey: In the eighth grade, my English class had to read Romeo and Juliet. Then, for extra credit, Mrs. Snyder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous. But I had a slightly different take. I told Mrs. Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls for the one guy she knows she can’t have. Then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Mrs. Snyder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13, I was very clear, that love, like life, is about making choices. And fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it’s so romantic. Romeo and Juliet. True love. How sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum… she deserved whatever she got.

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while. And then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would have been okay. I told Mrs. Snyder that when I was grown up, I’d take fate into my own hands. I wouldn’t let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Snyder said I’d be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone. And that if I did, we’d be together forever. Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It’s about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices, and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.

Something To Talk About

Grey: Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words, and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or, how to ask for what we really need…

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about. Some things, we just don’t want to hear. And some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say. They’re what you do. Some things you say because there’s no other choice. Some things, you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then… some things simply speak for themselves.

Into You Like A Train

Grey: In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways: Those who love surprises, and those who don’t. I don’t. I’ve never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise, because, as surgeons, we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know. Because when we aren’t, people die and lawsuits happen. Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. Okay, so my point actually, and I do have one, has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits or even surgeons. My point is this: whoever said “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”? Was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.Okay, fine, maybe it’s the second worst.

As surgeons, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients. And, how to take care of each other. Eventually, we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves. As surgeons, we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it’s better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark, there may be fear… but there’s also hope.

Bring The Pain

Grey: Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with every day. Then there’s the kind of pain we can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anesthetize… ride it out, embrace it, ignore it… And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain. You just have to fight through. Because the truth is, you can’t outrun it. And life always makes more.

Deny, Deny, Deny

Grey: The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny that we’re tired, we deny that we’re scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed, and most importantly, we deny that we’re in denial. We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that, after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth.We deny so much, that we can’t recognize the truth, right in front of our faces…

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial and face the world head-on, guns blazing. Denial. It’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Make Me Lose Control

Grey: Surgeons are control freaks. With a scalpel in your hand you feel unstoppable. There’s no fear, there’s no pain. You’re ten feet tall and bulletproof. And then you leave the OR. And all that perfection, all that beautiful control, just falls to crap.

No one likes to lose control. But as a surgeon, there’s nothing worse. It’s a sign of weakness. Of not being up to the task. And still, there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn’t gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. Except, if there’s an upside to free falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you.

Enough Is Enough (No More Tears)

Grey: I have an aunt who, whenever she poured anything for you, would say: “say when”. My aunt would say, “Say when,” and of course, we never did. We don’t say “when” because there’s something about the possibility of more. More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better.

There’s something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say “when.” I think it’s a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual… and depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes, all we want is a taste. Other times, there’s no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless. And all we want… is more.

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head

Grey: To be a good surgeon, you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean, sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes, you’re faced with a cut that won’t heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open…

They say practice makes perfect. Theory is, the more you think like a surgeon, the more you become one. The better you get at remaining neutral, clinical. Cut, suture, close. And the harder it becomes to turn it off… to stop thinking like a surgeon. And remember what it means to think like a human being.

Who's Zoomin' Who?

Grey: Secrets can’t hide in science. Medicine has a way of exposing the lies. Within the walls of the hospital, the truth is stripped bare. How we keep our secrets outside the hospital… well, that’s a little different.One thing is certain. Whatever it is we’re trying to hide, we’re never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked.That’s the problem with secrets. Like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything. Until you don’t have room for anything else. Until you’re so full of secrets, you feel like you’re going to burst.

The thing people forget, is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they’re out in the open, like it, or not. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don’t have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is, even when you think you’re in control… you’re not.

Save Me

Grey: You know how when you were a little kid, and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming, who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in bed at night and close your eyes, and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close, you could taste them. But eventually, you grow up. One day you open your eyes, and the fairy tale disappears. Most people, turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is… it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Because almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they’ll open their eyes, and it will all come true.

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like, one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle… well, it may not be a castle. And, it’s not so important that it’s happy ever after. Just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while… people may even take your breath away.

The Self-Destruct Button

Grey: Okay, anyone who says you can sleep when you die, tell them to come talk to me after a few months as an intern. Of course, it’s not just the job that keeps us up all night. I mean, if life’s so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What’s up with the need to hit the self-destruct button?

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know… maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? “Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?” “Because it feels so good when I stop.”

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Grey: A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. “Never leave that ’till tomorrow,” he said, “which you can do today.” This is the man who discovered electricity. You’d think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection… Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision. Because, what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo? Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one thing holds true… that, by the time the pain of not doing a thing, gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we’re carrying around a giant tumor.

The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we haven’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug, until we can’t anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves, what Benjamin Franklin meant: That knowing, is better than wondering. That waking, is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.

Shake Your Groove Thing

Grey: Remember when you were a kid, and your biggest worry was, like, if you’d get a bike for your birthday, or if you’d get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean, seriously, don’t be fooled by all the hot shoes, and the great sex, and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you’re training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands… Hello! Talk about responsibility! Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really really good, doesn’t it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up, and let it slip right through your fingers…

Responsibility… it really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn’t go away. It can’t be avoided. Either someone makes us face it, or we suffer the consequences. And still, adulthood has its perks. I mean, the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do… that’s pretty damn good.

No Man's Land

Grey: Intimacy is a four-syllable word for: 'Here are my heart and soul. Please grind them into hamburger and enjoy.' It's both desired and feared; difficult to live with and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to life's three R's. Relatives, Romance and Roommates.There are somethings you can't escape. And other things you just don't wanna know.

I wish there were a rule book for intimacy. Some kind of a guide that could tell when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming. And i don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules... Maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

Winning a Battle, Loosing the War

Grey: We live our own lifes on the surgical unit. Seven days a week, fourteen hours a day. We're together more than we're apart. After a while, the ways of resedency become the ways of life. Number one: always keep score. Number two: do whatever you can to outsmart the other guy. Number three: don't make friends with the enemy. Oh, and yeah... Number four: Everything, everything is a competion. Whoever said winning wasn't everything? Never held a scalpel.

There's another way to survive this competion. a way that no one ever seems to tell you about, one you have to learn for yourself. Number five: it's not about the race at all. There are no winners or loosers. Victories are counted by the number of lifes saved. and, once in a while, if you're smart, the life you save could be your own.

The First Cut Is The Deepest

Grey: 'It's all about lines. The finish line at the end of  residency. Wating in a line for a chance on the operating table. And then, here's the most important line, a line separating you from the people you work with. It doesn't help to get too familiar. To make friends. You need boundaries between you and the rest of the world. Other people are far too messy. It's all about lines. Drawing lines in the sand and praying like hell no one crosses them.

At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can  live your life crossing them. But there are some lines ... that are away too dangerous to cross. Here is what i know: if you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.'

A Hard Day's Night

Grey: They say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don't. My mother was one of the greats. Me, on the other hand, I'm kinda screwed.

I can think if any one reason why I'd want to be a surgeon... But i can think of a thousand reasons why i should quit. They make it hard on purpose. There are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit, but here's the thing... I love the playing field.